The night I nearly lost my deposit due to the monkeys

by Rich Heatley

People from Northern Ireland do not need drugs to help them go mental or get creative, but its quite an interesting experiment whenever they do!! It was roughly about 4.30am on a Sunday morning, my friend from northern Ireland and I had just had an unsuccessful night at Sankeys nightclub. in Manchester and we had aimlessly tried to acquire some recreational substances to heighten the somewhat dull experience. For 3 hours we had been unsuccessful, after which we had acquired some disco biscuits, which was to be expected were a disappointment or so we thought. Off we went back to my flat to see what my flatmate had on offer, he had some paper which was soaked in a substance he thought might be good for us.

To cut a long story short, my friend and I decided to lie down and talk about shite, as you do whenever you are coming up, but we had soon realised it was unlike any other experience we had known.

It became clear that getting to the bedroom floor from my bed would result in two broken legs

or maybe even death, as it was too high, we were stuck!! Since we were terrified to go to the edge of the bed, we thought it be best to lie down, after a lengthy and in depth discussion about the following topics; Stone Age and how we came to having windows 95, Napoleon where he went wrong, the soviet union a great society, communism and how it would work in Britain and what's wrong with bananas having eyeballs.

Then they came in their masses, the monkeys!!

I saw them, my friend saw them, and I looked at him and said, "Ehh, whats going here like?" him spaced out of his head with two black piss holes in the snow gazed at me and said, "waaa, fuck knows!!"

After first contact was established with the monkeys, we struck up democratic discussions, about their reasons for being here in my room at 4.30 on Sunday morning!!

Their plan devious as it was, was to rearrange all my bricks in the ceiling

, I said, "I'm sorry you cant do that, if my landlord comes round here and see's that I'll lose my deposit!!!" At this point my friend stepped in and had a word, "Look he's right I'm a quantity surveyor and you can't rearrange these bricks as it's a listed building and you don't have the proper health and safety equipment".

My flat mate who had been listening the whole time from outside the bedroom, came in with a horrified look on his face, and said in his Geordie accent,

"what the fuck are you boys on? Your fucking going on about monkeys and buildings, here take these!!

Fucking calm you down like" he threw some medicine at us, which we wolfed down. The two of us were out like a light! The next day we found that the distance to the floor wasn't as high as we thought!!

Thanks to Rich Heatley for this debauched story.

S.B.T cannot condone recreational drug taking, but we can print any stories of the stupidity associated. So send me your tales..... dan@stupidbloodytuesday.co.uk..... It could be truth it could be fiction, no matter what you better watch out for the monkeys.